Music Heals My Soul

I'm still reeling from the golf tournament! I've had a big smile on my face ever since. It was so amazing to see everyone come together to help me. There really are not enough words to describe it. The total is staggering too. It is beyond a relief to know that I don't have to worry about excess medical costs, bills, etc during my treatment. All of my positive thoughts can focus on fighting this cancer.

I'm so lucky to have friends and family close by to keep me a active. I saw the movie 50/50 last weekend... Phenomenal. Highly recommend it to everyone. Bring your kleenex! The main character (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) did a great job of conveying  the real raw emotions of a cancer patient. I could definitely relate to several scenes. (Thank you Diana for the movie and popcorn!) I've had so many amazing conversations and lunch/ dinner dates with Sarah, Suzanne, Tracy, Diana and "phone dates" with Xenia in Philly. Yesterday I got to see my niece Brooke pitch during one of her softball games and enjoy my first post -op pizza slice. I'm finally getting somewhat of an appetite back. I get a few cravings here and there and can tolerate more normal foods now. I'm down 14 pounds on my cancer diet (trying to look at the upsides!) Not the ideal diet, but I'll take what I can get.

I thought it would be hard adjusting to not working... Wrong! There was an adjustment period, but I've been able to slow down my mind and relish the free time that I have. I thought I would be watching the minutes tick by but the days are flying by. I have either a lunch/dinner date  or doctor's appointment everyday this week, except Sunday.

My pain is very manageable now. I only took one Tylenol with Codeine this morning. I've finished all my antibiotics too. Now I only take vitamins on a regular basis. The other pills I take are on an "as needed" basis. My incision was having some problems healing. I shouldn't say was because I'm not out of the woods yet. After my surgery, the doctors used internal staples that dissolve in the body and steri-strips (they look like pieces of tape) to close me up. Unfortunately for me, my body is treating the staples like foreign objects and is pushing them out... This creates open holes in the skin. I currently have one at the top of my incision and two at the bottom. The biggest of the three was the size of a pencil eraser. I have to clean and cover the holes at least once a day. Let me rephrase... I shower and my mom treats and bandages the holes. I'm instantly nauseous when I see the holes. It's hard enough to have to shower and push them together. I have to try to squeeze out any secretions... I'm getting nauseous writing it! When my mom and I were at the doctor, they originally asked her to pack the holes with gauze.  One look at that and my mom almost hit the floor. After sipping on some grape juice and putting her head between her legs, we settled on the next best thing. They gave us some powder that helps dry up and seal the hole. It's been a little over a week since the holes opened and I'm happy to report they are healing well. (All gratitude goes to my mom!)

I met my radiation doctor on Friday and now have a tentative schedule set. I go in for a CT scan tomorrow then a pelvic exam on the 20th and the first treatment on the 24th of this month. The actual radiation process takes about 5-7 minutes. I will go Monday- Friday for 5 weeks (25 total treatments). My doctor is being careful to design a radiation path that will cause the least amount of damage/ scaring to my other organs. My final pathology results indicated that my cancer is spreading downward instead of upward like most cancers. The field of radiation  will run along the line of my lymphatic system. It will start just below my breasts and end at the bottom of my abdomen. All of the other organs in that area are at risk for certain side effects. I got a very helpful form that explains what side effects are common, rare and extremely rare. Most likely I will be a bit lethargic or nauseous. I could write a chapter about the other possible side effects, but I'm going to wait to see how my body responds. Of all the side effects, I have one that I'm terrified of, and unfortunately its somewhat inevitable.  I'm not ready to share that with everyone.  I've talked at length with my friends and doctors, but I've decided I shouldn't be worried about something that either won't be that bad or I can help reduce ( I know none of this makes sense but it will in a future post!) Lucky for me and my gas tank, radiation and chemo takes place in Roseville.

After my CT tomorrow I go back to Dr. Skilling (my oncologist) to check out my holes and incision. When I came home from the tournament last week, I noticed more white dots or staples. The doctor had reinforced those areas with new steri-strips. Mark my word, if I go in tomorrow and he says more staples have pushed out and he needs to pull them out... They are knocking me out and sewing that shit up. 

I meet my chemo doctor on Tuesday. From what I know right now, the chemo treatments will be every Monday for 4 hours. I will have 5 total chemo treatments. Another upside- I shouldn't lose my hair! The chemo is a lower dose than other forms . The purpose is to weaken my cancer cells so the radiation can kill them. I'll learn lots more on Tuesday I'm sure. The 26 year old in me wants to know when I can have a cocktail!
So where does this leave my eggs?? Unfortunately, in my body. I've decided not to pursue egg harvesting. This decision was not made lightly. I can tell you that it was my decision and I am confident in my decision. It's too risky for my own health. I'd rather be a healthy adoptive mom than a sick biological mom. My cancer is too aggressive and unpredictable to play around with my own health.  I'm already so tired of being poked and prodded too. Egg harvesting requires a couple of weeks of hormone shots to hyper stimulate your ovaries. When the ovaries are stimulated, the ovaries can be the size of baseballs or grapefruits. This would make my stomach expand. I can't imagine this happening when my incision is not closing properly! Gives me goose bumps thinking about it. After the radiation, my ovaries will turn into dead tissues. At that point I'll enter menopause and have the joy of taking hormone supplements for the rest of my long healthy life.

Enough medical mumbling for the day! Music heals my soul... It's a thought I can't get out of my head. I was generously gifted an iPod  Shuffle from the Dimick's. They pre-loaded it with the most incredible mix of uplifting, inspirational, fun songs that I LOVE!! I can't count how many songs I've downloaded since my diagnosis. Turning on my iPod on and tuning out the world gives me the opportunity to forget about my cancer and enjoy the music for a minute. I tend to get shocked back into reality when my toe tapping turns into dancing and I feel my stomach tighten.
It hasn't been hard to find a silver lining to cancer. That may sound weird, but I've had some really great things come out of one really crappy speed bump. I'm very excited for the week ahead of me. It's almost 1am... I better get to sleep so I can start enjoying it!  Oh, how could I forget, I'm almost done compiling the photos from my tournament!! I'll post that slideshow ASAP!
Thank you all again for your constant love and support!
XOXO Britni